Saturday, November 15, 2003

The Comedy of Baseball by Steve Reynolds

In the opinion of this writer, and the whole Zisk editorial team, David Cross’s 2002 Shut Up, You Fucking Baby! (Sub Pop) is one of the best comedy albums of the past decade. It’s a tour de force of observations about politics, rednecks and people who talk in the third person. Now Zisk presents a transcription of Cross’s take on the champ of talking in the third person—Rickey Henderson.

“But there’s one guy who’s the fucking king, who’s the worst. Yes, you got it, it’s Rickey Henderson. If you’ve ever seen Rickey Henderson interviewed, it’s the best. It’s sweet, it’s sweet glorious music. It’s like he’s communicating secretly to like an intergalactic leader from another space federation. Every time he says Rickey Henderson he’s giving coordinates to the planet, or whatever.”

[Posing as a reporter] “Hey Rickey, I noticed you taped your bat up a little higher than normal—what’s that about?”

[As Rickey] “Well, you know, Rickey Henderson has to do what’s best for Rickey Henderson, you know. I mean, if Rickey Henderson feels that Rickey Henderson needs to tape his bat up higher, to be the best Rickey Henderson that Rickey Henderson can be, then Rickey Henderson is going to tape his bat higher in way that Rickey Henderson can perceive, as Rickey Henderson can, to be the best Rickey Henderson that Rickey Henderson can or will or want to be as Rickey Henderson qualifying in a Rickey Henderson-esque type of way to be a Rickey Henderson for which all Rickey Hendersons around us, being one Rickey Henderson to speak through Rickey Henderson as vessel to reach all Rickey Hendersons out there in the world in a qualitative Rickey Henderson-esque magnanimous display of Rickey Henderson-tude and quality that you can find only in Rickey Henderson as Rickey Henderson as want to do for Rickey Henderson being Ricky Henderson as Rickey Henderson.”

“You come in here, ‘Rickey, how come you taping you bat,’ you know, Ricky Henderson is going to answer you in a way that Rickey Henderson can to be—in fact, that reminds me, I got to give that motherfucker phone call, you know. Uh-huh, that’s right.”

[Phone rings a few times, machine picks up]

[Message] “Hi, this is Rickey Henderson. Rickey Henderson is not available right now, but if you leave your name and number, Rickey Henderson will get back to you when it is best for Rickey Henderson to do so [beep].”

[As Rickey] “Rickey Henderson pick up”

“Pick up the phone Rickey.”

“Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone.”

“Pick up the phone Rickey!”

“Rickey, pick up the phone!!!”

“It’s me—you! God damn, that motherfucker’s never there!”

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