Saturday, April 17, 2004

The Real Red Sox A to Z by Frank D'Urso

While driving home the other day I heard the most bristlyingly annoying ad I’ve heard in a long ass time.

The Red Sox wives, your Boston Red Sox wives, do a great deal of charity work. They do a semi-regular cook book in the summer. This winter for a change they’ve put together a book called Boston Red Sox A to Z. Proceeds go to charity so by all means go out and buy it. But dear Zisk readers, forgive me this thought and crux of this article—these women are all multi-millionaires. They could give these charities more money than they need without batting an eyelash let alone even asking their husbands for spare cash.

I guess I’m mad that they take their free time, do this good work, and expect us sports minded slobs in greater New Bling Bling to shell out money to make them feel like they are helping a cause? Gah!!!! And egad!!!!

So while listening to these kids recite the first few letters of the Red Sox Alphabet (“B” is for “Ball”) I decided to create my own version of this A to Z list and encourage y’all to drop a few extra coins towards your local charities next time you run across one.

“A” is for “Aarrrrrrrgh” I screamed in Game 6 (the game six). It’s also for Harry Agganis who died before his time.

“B” is for the brick that I “borrowed” from reconstruction of the area behind Fenway’s homeplate.

“C” is for Tony C, gawd bless his soul, another Red Sox who died young.

“D” is for dummy. Grady Little should have taken Pedro out

“E” is for Eckersley. That guy had cool hair.

“F” is for Frazee, who screwed us over and how.

“G” is for the Green Monster, and all those who’ve secretly had their ashes mixed into the playing field.

“H” is for Hawk Harrelson. The dude could play and was cool.

“I” is for the Impossible Dream year of 1967, which formed the foundation of my preteen summers.

“J” is for Jim Rice, #14, my own personal hero. He deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

"K” is for Ken Coleman, a voice I grew up listening to.

“L” is for losing because of that stupid damn curse.

“M” is for money, which drives the game today, and also Margo Adams, who was chicken man's lay.

“N” is for Negroes, because the organization was shortsighted enough to turn away Jackie Robinson, Willie Mays and Hank Aaron...

“O” is for Orlando Cepeda who played for them briefly, and Oil Can Boyd who played for them for awhile.

“P” is for Pedro, who will drill you in the ass.

“Q” is for Dan Quisenberry who pitched against us so queerly.

“R” is for RED


“T” is for Ye Olde Town Team, the best nickname, and El Tiante, a giant of this game!

“U” is for Ugueth Urbina who we let go to use “Closer By Committee,” which failed.

“V” is for victory, the all-elusive World Series victory to add to the FIVE they earned.

“W” is for wins. This team can pile them on when they “Cowboy Up.”

“X” is for X-Red Sox Roger Clemens, and all the rest. They all come home eventually.

“Y” is for Yaz, the potato-farming, hard-working, hard-playing, long-careered sunnovagun.

“Z” is for Zisk. Richie Zisk would've been great if he wore the carmine hose.

Frank D'Urso is a member of SABR and travels to Cooperstown every summer.

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