There are few drawbacks to being on tour, like I was for most of the past two weeks, one of them being that I could hear about the Mets 7-3 homestand, but not witness any of it. And how did the Mets treat me upon my return? They dropped the first two games in Colorado, losing to the single worst franchise outside of Florida. Losing was bad enough but putting up a mere three runs each game was mind blowing. Apparently, the Mets forgot that by merely showing up at Coors Field teams are spotted four runs, kind of like how you get 200 points on the SATs just by signing your name. So, with that in mind, the Mets really plated -1 runs per game. What became of the offensive outburst I heard so much about during the previous 10 games? Why did the team's behavior change once I was able to resume watching games? Why did they act differently because I was around? I take this stuff personally. It's kind of like when I stayed in a hotel outside of Cleveland at the start of my tour. I walked into the office to get a room and encountered a guy, in his mid-20s, sitting behind the counter. As he was running my credit card through the system, I noticed him looking over my shoulder. I turned around and realized that he was watching TV, apparently an infomercial for an exercise machine, though I thought the woman's outfit was out-of-place lacey. As he punched in numbers he kept watching the TV, but it was more like he was sneeking peaks. When I heard moaning and groaning eminating from the TV I turned around again only to see a blonde woman, completely nude, pushing a brunette, equally nude, on some sort of sex swing. "All right, you'll be in room 232," the guy said, completly unfazed, "it's around the corner to the right, second floor." The dude was watching the Playboy channel and making no effort to cover his tracks. And it gets weirder. After leaving the office, I wanted to call home and didn't want to get stuck with the fees that come from making a call from the room, so I walked back to the office to see if they had a pay phone. Upon returning to the office I saw a big guy waiting for a room, 6'4", sleeveless shirt, tons of tatoos, biker helmet in tow...and the TV was set to an episode of Law and Order. I love Lenny Brisco and company as much as the next guy, but I wanted to know why the desk dude felt comfortable indulging in his habits while I checked in and, mere minutes later, felt sufficiently embarrassed in the presence of an Aerosmith roadie as to change the channel to a cop show.
Tell me what I did wrong, and I'll be certain to behave differently.