Sunday, August 27, 2006
Cooperstown by Andrew Mendillo
Not too long ago, my two brothers, Matt and Nick, my father Butch, and I, went for a road trip to the baseball capital of the world, Cooperstown, New York. This place is heaven to any true fan of America’s pastime. Within the small upstate town are the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum and Doubleday Field, in honor of Abner Doubleday, the supposed creator of the sport.
Wonderfully, the local residents of Cooperstown have embraced the tourist attraction they call home by aptly tagging their local businesses with baseball themed names. When driving down Main Street, any long haired homerun hitting hippie can have their hair cut at the Grand Slam Hair Salon, or the Triple Play Barber Shop, where the Triple Play Special consisting of a shampoo, shave and cut costs only $15!
Now using baseball lexicon to name an establishment is adorable, but there is nothing clever about those two names because extra base hits have little to do with hair grooming. However, if you pay close attention to other Cooperstown storefronts and businesses, you will see some fairly interesting names. I was particularly fond of the Hit by Pitch and Putt, and the Strike Out the Side Walling. And I am positive all Cooperstownsmen and women fulfill there broom and mop needs at the Series Sweep Broom Hut.
If I were to suggest a place to grab a pint, head over to the Short Hops Brewery. Don’t drink alcohol? Then cool off with a raspberry smoothie at the Suicide Squeeze Juice Bar. Here, a lovely, busty brunette named Amy will serve you with a warm smile.
These institutions—along with the glut of batting cages and souvenir shops—make Cooperstown a fantastic sports getaway. But if you stay long enough, you begin to notice the cute baseball motif turning into a worrisome, yet manageable fixation.
In Cooperstown, send your unloved ones to the Extra Innings Nursing Home. And when they finally die, bury them at the beautiful and historic Long Gone Cemetery. Does your family have a crazy, World Series obsessing McMurphy that you feel needs mental help? Easy, commit him/her to the Off the Wall Insane Asylum. If your vagina is what’s driving you nuts, then set up an appointment at Batters Box Gynecology.
On a vacation by yourself and looking for some excitement? Rent a DVD at the Pop Up Porn Shoppe. Or for more one on one interaction, call the Into the Gap Escort Service. Don’t you worry if you accidentally knock up a Hall of Fame Hooker, because the Dug Out Abortion Clinic has two easy to find locations.
In case you do not want to get someone you know pregnant, feel free to take a load off at the Foul Ball Sperm Bank, where you can earn some extra cash. With all that extra money, make a reservation to see a local play put on by the No Balls Theater Repertory. Inside tip: the cast has their after parties across the street at the Cum From Behind Bar.
Cooperstown may seem crazy to an un-American baseball hater, but to a fan such as myself, I take pleasure in their community’s love for the National Pastime.
Andrew Mendillo is a comedian originally from Rhode Island. He proudly covers his receding hairline with a Red Sox hat.